He’s baaaack.  That’s right, that brash little brain sucking alien from the planet Furon has made his return.  Crypto’s his name and stealing DNA is his game.  The fun part comes from how he does it.

SO, back story.  Way back in the day when every xbox was black and the hard drive was internal there was this funny little game that got released.  Destroy All Humans was the title, and the cover art looked like something out of a 50′s era B movie.  I picked it up on a lark and POOF, i was introduced to the amazing world of sandbox games.  A big map with LOTS of things to see and nothing but loose ideas of objectives that will help you move along and have some fun.  Talk about an eye opener.  Played enough of that game to sufficiently piss my wife off.  Fast forward 5 years and now we have the latest installment of the series on the 360 (i believe there was another title released solely to PlayStation… but who cares?).

I know what you’re thinking.  Who’s Crypto and why do i care?  Crypto is a 3 foot alien sent from the Furon empire to collect human DNA by extracting their brain stems.  No, i’m not kidding.  But wait, it gets better.  Crypto also happens to be a smart ass, cynical bastard that is voiced by a fairly good Jack Nicholson imitator.  He says some flat out funny stuff fairly regularly.  And as if that wasn’t enough, then there’s the weapons.  The Black Hole gun, the Venus Human Trap gun, and last but far from least… the anal probe gun.  You heard me right.  This bad boy fires self guided… let’s call them missiles… that hone in on the rectum of it’s victim.  The victim then runs around spewing… uuuuhhh “stuff”… from their butts.  Shoot them enough and they die.  Seriously people, i can’t make this stuff up.

Once a person dies their brains pop out the top of their heads and are magically drawn to Crypto.  You collect the samples and you’re on your way.  Of course, three foot tall aliens probing people to death is BOUND to garner some attention.  Kill enough people the police show up.  Offer a little resistance and S.W.AT. joins the party.  You make them work too hard  then soldiers and tanks show up.  What now?  You’ve got the full force of the Army bearing down upon you.  Luckily Crypto can do more than just shoot a gun.  He’s got some psychic abilities.  Psychokinesis is one of the more useful abilities.  Picking up cars with your MIND… yeah that’s just fun.  Then there’s cortex scan, basically you can read minds.  Not much use in a fight, but useful for gathering information and the occasional laugh.  Then there’s my favorite, the body snatch.  Run up to someone, hit the right button and suddenly you’re a leggy blonde or a hot red-head on skates (oh, or a tubby balding guy but i get to be that EVERY day… yay).  Perfect for hiding from the fuzz.  Heck, you can even hide AS the fuzz.  But beware, the game is smart.  If you snatch a body in front of the police they are smart enough to know it’s still you.  In fact, snatch a body anywhere and all the people around you will freak out just a little.  Apparently a little green guy with a gun isn’t very scary, but if he absorbs someone else’s body that’s an issue.  Boundaries people!!

All right, so what’s the point of the game.  Here in lies the true beauty of the game.  I’m not sure there is one.  There are no political undertones, no subtle comments about the state of society.  Just a racaus romp through various interesting locales causing mayhem and destruction whenever possible.  Throw in some hysterical dialogue and a story line you can follow and you’ve got a great play through of a fun game.  Is this game going to revolutionize a genre?  No.  Is it going to entertain you for 12 or so hours?  Only if you have a sense of humor and know what you’re getting in to.

Want to suck brains for a living?  Buy this bad boy, or trade for it on Goozex!

- David Hayes

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